I'm
supposed to be writing an essay write now. Actually, two essays.
Actually, two essays and a small composition for French. And
preparing a short presentation for Human Development. But... eh. This
seems like a better use of my time right now.
I
went home this past weekend, and saw something that inspired me to
write. The redbud tree in the backyard—the one that has been there
for years and years—has died. Or at least it looks dead. While all
the other redbuds in the neighborhood have gorgeous pink and purple
flowers, ours is completely bare. I've always loved that tree, so I
was saddened when I stared at it from my bedroom window on Saturday.
Sunday morning, I stepped outside to see what the temperature was
like, and I decided to walk over to the tree, just reminiscing. When
I got close I was surprised to find a number of very small offshoots
from the trunk, all trying to put out leaves. How cool is that?
It
reminded me that God is constantly working in our lives, renewing us,
reviving us, often transforming us. I know that there has been a
crazy amount of new growth in my own life in the past couple of
years. It almost feels unreal to me sometimes.
When
I started this blog, I was absolutely miserable when I was alone, and
even more miserable in social settings. I wanted to magically force
my social anxieties to go away. Obviously it didn't work. About a
year later, I came to understand that God is the only one with that
kind of power, and that He could help me as long as I was willing to
let Him. As I learned to trust God more and more, I came to
understand myself more. I realized that I was not just overly shy but
actually afraid and mistrusting of others. With God's help, I
addressed those issues and have been actively working on them ever
since. In August, I marched up to two very large challenges and said
Bring it on. These challenges
were in the form of a boyfriend and a Bible study group. The
boyfriend needed a girlfriend and the group needed one more leader,
and I was the one for both.
My
boyfriend has been a huge challenge in trust. I've had to learn how
to be open and honest with him, how to really talk
to someone. Through him, God has also been teaching me how to rely on
someone. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I'm stubborn.
Really stubborn. And set in my ways. And for seven years, I was in
the habit of being on my own and doing everything for myself. You can
imagine how frustrating this would be for my boyfriend. The poor,
sweet guy tries so hard to take care of me, and I haven't always been
the best at allowing it. I used to shut him out more than I let him
in, and it wasn't until I started fully letting God in that I was
able to really share myself with another person. It's much easier now
to let him just be there
for me. (Other things, like letting him be a gentleman and carry
things for me, for instance, are still a daily battle, but I'm
working on it.) We have grown incredibly close over the past several
months, and I am so, so blessed to have him in my life.
While
my boyfriend has been teaching me how to trust, God has been using my
Bible study group to help me get over my fears. In case it isn't
painfully obvious already, I hate being the center of attention. Hate
it. In almost any context. (Like in the beginning of our
relationship, when my boyfriend excitedly introduced me to everyone
he knows—I kind of wanted to run away or be swallowed up by a black
hole or something.) So being the co-leader of a group is huge for me.
I kind of shocked myself when I agreed to do it. Actually, I'm sort
of in a permanent state of shock, because even though we've been
doing this since mid-Septemberish, putting myself at the center of
attention still scares me every week. When we discuss our lesson plan
before each meeting, I have a clear idea of exactly what I want to
say, and then when I start to speak to the group, I panic and my mind
just goes blank. Every single week. Without fail. It occurs to me now
that maybe that's God's way of trying to tell me not to try to plan
and control everything, because even when my mind goes blank, He
always provides the words I need to share. In fact, when I stray from
what I originally intended to say, that's when speaking is the
easiest. (Exodus 4:12, anyone?) Apart from the total memory loss each
week, I don't feel nearly as uncomfortable now as I did when we
started. My heart doesn't race like it used to, and I don't have that
horrible sense of anxiety about being the center of attention. That's
not to say I would do well if you asked me to lead a different
group... but I candle handle our own little circle now. And I love
our little circle! Along with the small-scale leadership experience,
I feel like I've gained some really good friends. I'm so
grateful for them, and for the chance to study God's word with them.
Last
summer, I wrote about loving others. At the time, I felt like I'd
been doing a pretty lousy job of that. I began putting more focus on
that, using 1 Corinthians 13:1 as motivation.
I mean, if I can carry on a conversation with someone but can't share
Christ's love with them, what point is there in being able to talk to
them at all? Once I made that my goal, that is when I began making
more and more progress—far more progress than I could have ever
made on my own. There's this nifty cycle where God gives me
confidence, and it's so exciting that I just want to talk to others
about the incredible things He does, and when I talk to other people,
I gain even more confidence. Like Moses, I'm not exactly eloquent and
I'm often slow of speech and tongue, but I'm not afraid anymore. My
God is bigger than any fears I could ever have, and spreading His
love is too important to hide in a little bitty comfort zone.
I'm
constantly amazed at the changes God has made in me. Like the leaves
springing up from the heart of a seemingly dead tree, He has gotten
rid of the old and brought me new life. I can't wait to see what He
has in store for me next.
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