Ready for a break.

I'm supposed to be writing an essay but I can't think straight. That's a common occurrence lately. I can sit here pondering the viscosity of various cheeses on my own time, but put me in a classroom and my mind goes blank at even the simplest of questions.

Some maintenance men did a lot of stuff in my residence hall last week. They stirred up so much dust that the hallway looked like it was filled with smoke. I don't know precisely what was in that dust, apart from drywall, but I was allergic to it. I was miserable all week. They came back on Monday and were at it again, right outside the door to my suite. What can you do when you're too miserable to get up and go somewhere, but the very thing making you miserable is your home? And what are you supposed to do when the hallway right outside your door is even worse?

If my allergies weren't bad enough on their own, my insomnia has been worse lately. I'm exhausted all the time. I mentioned before that I can't focus or think properly. I've also started losing a bit of control over my fine motor skills. Each day it gets harder and harder just to grasp a pencil to take notes in class. My handwriting is all over the place. And my ability to concentrate is completely shot, so by the time I manage to get, say, half a slide covered, the instructor moves on to the next subject and I have no clue what I missed. Sunday night I began taking a stronger dose of melatonin, hoping it would help me sleep better. I barely slept at all last night.

I shook literally all morning and had to prop my head up with my hand just to stay upright in class. I went to a lab section that is not my own to make up the lab I missed on Monday, and the questions were very basic. I should have been able to answer them relatively quickly so I could leave. It took me almost the entire lab period to finish, and I only left then because I gave up and made up something for the last two questions. I just couldn't comprehend the material before me. I came home and promptly had an emotional breakdown.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick of missing out on things because they're outside, or the atmosphere is loud and hurts my head, or because it's in a place with fluorescent lights and would be even more painful than dealing with noise. I'm sick of not being able to read because I can't get my eyes to focus on the text. I'm sick of having absolutely no energy and coming home and collapsing after every single class. I forget everything. Assignment due dates, words for things I really do know the name of, the ends to sentences I'm in the middle of voicing. I can't spell. I can't type. (I can't tell you how many mistakes I've deleted from this.) I'm just fed up with all of it. It's so incredibly frustrating not to have control over my own mind and body.

I have spent so much time praying for strength, for peace, for sleep. That's all I have the power to do. And honestly, at this point I'm tired of that, too.

I've been putting up with this for eight years, and I'm tired of it. I just want to be healthy. I just want to be normal. And right now, I'd love it if I could break down crying and then feel better like other people do, but I can't even have that because crying makes my head hurt even more.

Confession #58

It's been eight years and I still can't go in the old high school auditorium without getting misty-eyed.

All those years of ballet, all those recitals, The Nutcracker every December. So many memories. It's a good thing I'm not allowed backstage during the middle school band concerts, because I know if I found my way back there, I'd surely cry.

I miss dancing. I miss feeling like I was in complete control of my body. I miss having that rhythm in my bones that made it impossible to be still. I miss the bright lights and the music that flowed through the entire building. I miss the fancy costumes and the stage makeup. I miss the excitement of waiting in the wings, hiding behind the curtains while performing all the steps with the dancers on stage because we'd seen it rehearsed so many times that we had their parts memorized along with our own. I miss the thrill of walking—never running!—behind the backdrops on stage, knowing that the scenery was all that separated us from the dancers performing and the audience beyond them. I miss the camaraderie. I miss goofing off in the dressing rooms, doing things we knew we probably shouldn't but which we got away with because there was little supervision. I miss the hand-drawn personalized stars cut from construction paper and taped to the mirrors so everyone would know who had claimed which spot. I miss the surreal way time seemed to stop while we were backstage, like the whole world suddenly revolved only around us. I miss it all.

I saw a girl at my sister's band concert tonight, a member of the sixth grade band, who was smaller than all the others. Her blonde hair was slicked back into a bun. She walked by my family after they left the stage, and I couldn't help but notice how perfect her hair looked. It was the kind of bun that comes from much experience. I have to wonder if she's a dancer too. If she is, I hope it's as magical for her as it always was for me.

Making like a tree and leaf-ing my old life behind

I'm supposed to be writing an essay write now. Actually, two essays. Actually, two essays and a small composition for French. And preparing a short presentation for Human Development. But... eh. This seems like a better use of my time right now.

I went home this past weekend, and saw something that inspired me to write. The redbud tree in the backyard—the one that has been there for years and years—has died. Or at least it looks dead. While all the other redbuds in the neighborhood have gorgeous pink and purple flowers, ours is completely bare. I've always loved that tree, so I was saddened when I stared at it from my bedroom window on Saturday. Sunday morning, I stepped outside to see what the temperature was like, and I decided to walk over to the tree, just reminiscing. When I got close I was surprised to find a number of very small offshoots from the trunk, all trying to put out leaves. How cool is that?

It reminded me that God is constantly working in our lives, renewing us, reviving us, often transforming us. I know that there has been a crazy amount of new growth in my own life in the past couple of years. It almost feels unreal to me sometimes.

When I started this blog, I was absolutely miserable when I was alone, and even more miserable in social settings. I wanted to magically force my social anxieties to go away. Obviously it didn't work. About a year later, I came to understand that God is the only one with that kind of power, and that He could help me as long as I was willing to let Him. As I learned to trust God more and more, I came to understand myself more. I realized that I was not just overly shy but actually afraid and mistrusting of others. With God's help, I addressed those issues and have been actively working on them ever since. In August, I marched up to two very large challenges and said Bring it on. These challenges were in the form of a boyfriend and a Bible study group. The boyfriend needed a girlfriend and the group needed one more leader, and I was the one for both.

My boyfriend has been a huge challenge in trust. I've had to learn how to be open and honest with him, how to really talk to someone. Through him, God has also been teaching me how to rely on someone. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I'm stubborn. Really stubborn. And set in my ways. And for seven years, I was in the habit of being on my own and doing everything for myself. You can imagine how frustrating this would be for my boyfriend. The poor, sweet guy tries so hard to take care of me, and I haven't always been the best at allowing it. I used to shut him out more than I let him in, and it wasn't until I started fully letting God in that I was able to really share myself with another person. It's much easier now to let him just be there for me. (Other things, like letting him be a gentleman and carry things for me, for instance, are still a daily battle, but I'm working on it.) We have grown incredibly close over the past several months, and I am so, so blessed to have him in my life.

While my boyfriend has been teaching me how to trust, God has been using my Bible study group to help me get over my fears. In case it isn't painfully obvious already, I hate being the center of attention. Hate it. In almost any context. (Like in the beginning of our relationship, when my boyfriend excitedly introduced me to everyone he knows—I kind of wanted to run away or be swallowed up by a black hole or something.) So being the co-leader of a group is huge for me. I kind of shocked myself when I agreed to do it. Actually, I'm sort of in a permanent state of shock, because even though we've been doing this since mid-Septemberish, putting myself at the center of attention still scares me every week. When we discuss our lesson plan before each meeting, I have a clear idea of exactly what I want to say, and then when I start to speak to the group, I panic and my mind just goes blank. Every single week. Without fail. It occurs to me now that maybe that's God's way of trying to tell me not to try to plan and control everything, because even when my mind goes blank, He always provides the words I need to share. In fact, when I stray from what I originally intended to say, that's when speaking is the easiest. (Exodus 4:12, anyone?) Apart from the total memory loss each week, I don't feel nearly as uncomfortable now as I did when we started. My heart doesn't race like it used to, and I don't have that horrible sense of anxiety about being the center of attention. That's not to say I would do well if you asked me to lead a different group... but I candle handle our own little circle now. And I love our little circle! Along with the small-scale leadership experience, I feel like I've gained some really good friends. I'm so grateful for them, and for the chance to study God's word with them.

Last summer, I wrote about loving others. At the time, I felt like I'd been doing a pretty lousy job of that. I began putting more focus on that, using 1 Corinthians 13:1 as motivation. I mean, if I can carry on a conversation with someone but can't share Christ's love with them, what point is there in being able to talk to them at all? Once I made that my goal, that is when I began making more and more progress—far more progress than I could have ever made on my own. There's this nifty cycle where God gives me confidence, and it's so exciting that I just want to talk to others about the incredible things He does, and when I talk to other people, I gain even more confidence. Like Moses, I'm not exactly eloquent and I'm often slow of speech and tongue, but I'm not afraid anymore. My God is bigger than any fears I could ever have, and spreading His love is too important to hide in a little bitty comfort zone.

I'm constantly amazed at the changes God has made in me. Like the leaves springing up from the heart of a seemingly dead tree, He has gotten rid of the old and brought me new life. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next.

Confession #57

I am slightly obsessed with crocheting baby hats.

Except you can remove the word "slightly" and come away with an accurate statement. I can't help myself! They're so tiny and cute! Today I finished one which my boyfriend asked me to make for his coworker who just had a little girl. I keep having to tell myself that I have absolutely no reason to make any more right now. But the yarn... It's just sitting there, calling to me...

A couple of thoughts

It's been a while. A long while. I don't like that. A few years ago, not a day went by where I didn't write something. Now I can barely remember the last time I sat down to put my jumble of thoughts into writing. Hrmph. 

Oh well. On to today's musings!

1: After coming to this school with only one friend and hardly any acquaintances, it still catches me off guard when I'm walking to or from class and hear someone say, "Hi, Michelle!" My first thought is always, "Who, me?" However, I like that I actually know enough people to cross paths with someone familiar once in a while.

2: I'm the type of girl who likes to hide quietly in the back of the classroom so as not to be noticed, while wearing bright yellow rainboots bought solely because they stand out.