Confession #49

Up until about a month ago, I frequently had dreams about high school.

Bad dreams. The kind of dream where I'm lost in a sea of people, late for a class I can't find, and depending on the night, either nobody notices me or I'm met with people I used to go to school with and they treat me like I have no right to be there.

I had those dreams for six years. Never mind the fact that I wasn't even enrolled in public school for three of those years. The feeling of being an outsider was just that deeply engrained that first year or so and it never really went away.

I still struggle with the feeling, but nowhere near the degree that I did a few years ago. I think having friends in close proximity again (and just having friends, period) helps. And the dreams, as far as I can tell, have stopped. Huzzah!

Confessions #47 and #48

I didn't post anything last week; that fact didn't occur to me until Monday. Saturday was slightly insane and my head got all jumbled.

Confession #47: Even though I love to write, I don't have a lot of faith in my writing.

I'm (beyond) highly critical of myself, so I don't know if my writing really is average-to-mediocre or if I'm just imagining things. One thing I do know, however, is that my writing has improved drastically over the years. Reading things I wrote when I was fourteen (things I was quite proud of at the time, mind you) makes me cringe. Cringe isn't even a strong enough word. It's that bad.

Confession #48: It has been eight and a half months since I started this blog, and I still don't feel like I'm anywhere close to reaching my goal.

The goal, of course, is rather relative. Be less shy. Be more open. Looking at it plainly, yes, I've succeeded, huzzah! I've stepped out of my comfort zone several times, I've shared things I wouldn't normally share, and I've spoken with people I normally wouldn't speak to. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but what I really wanted to accomplish this year was actually changing my comfort zone, not just stepping outside of it.

I really have made progress on a number of fronts. For instance, I've been putting a lot of effort into making eye contact with people. I've also been answering (some... meaning very few) questions in class, which I haven't done in... man, probably at least seven or eight years. Making small talk is easier, at least with people I see regularly, such as nurses who give me my allergy shots each week. Hooray!

But, part of me wonders if that's really enough, given that I've had forty-seven weeks to get to this point. Part of me wonders if I've still been chickening out of too many things. The kicker here is that nobody can even answer that. There is no right or wrong, so long as I keep going forward rather than backward. That's what I'm trying to tell myself. Just keep swimming. I have three and a half months left in the year.

Confession #46

I get really nervous about requesting friendships on Facebook.

Not much to add to that. I'm fully aware of how silly it is.