I'm supposed to be writing an essay but
I can't think straight. That's a common occurrence lately. I can sit
here pondering the viscosity of various cheeses on my own time, but
put me in a classroom and my mind goes blank at even the simplest of
questions.
Some maintenance men did a lot of stuff
in my residence hall last week. They stirred up so much dust that the
hallway looked like it was filled with smoke. I don't know precisely
what was in that dust, apart from drywall, but I was allergic to it.
I was miserable all week. They came back on Monday and were at it
again, right outside the door to my suite. What can you do when
you're too miserable to get up and go somewhere, but the very thing
making you miserable is your home? And what are you supposed to do
when the hallway right outside your door is even worse?
If my allergies weren't bad enough on
their own, my insomnia has been worse lately. I'm exhausted all the
time. I mentioned before that I can't focus or think properly. I've
also started losing a bit of control over my fine motor skills. Each
day it gets harder and harder just to grasp a pencil to take notes in
class. My handwriting is all over the place. And my ability to
concentrate is completely shot, so by the time I manage to get, say,
half a slide covered, the instructor moves on to the next subject and
I have no clue what I missed. Sunday night I began taking a stronger
dose of melatonin, hoping it would help me sleep better. I barely
slept at all last night.
I shook literally all morning and had
to prop my head up with my hand just to stay upright in class. I went
to a lab section that is not my own to make up the lab I missed on
Monday, and the questions were very basic. I should have been able to
answer them relatively quickly so I could leave. It took me almost
the entire lab period to finish, and I only left then because I gave
up and made up something for the last two questions. I just couldn't
comprehend the material before me. I came home and promptly had an
emotional breakdown.
I am sick and tired of being sick and
tired. I'm sick of missing out on things because they're outside, or
the atmosphere is loud and hurts my head, or because it's in a place
with fluorescent lights and would be even more painful than dealing
with noise. I'm sick of not being able to read because I can't get my
eyes to focus on the text. I'm sick of having absolutely no energy
and coming home and collapsing after every single class. I forget
everything. Assignment due dates, words for things I really do know
the name of, the ends to sentences I'm in the middle of voicing. I
can't spell. I can't type. (I can't tell you how many mistakes I've
deleted from this.) I'm just fed up with all of it. It's so
incredibly frustrating not to have control over my own mind and body.
I have spent so much time praying for
strength, for peace, for sleep.
That's all I have the power to do. And honestly, at this point I'm
tired of that, too.
I've
been putting up with this for eight years, and I'm tired of it. I
just want to be healthy. I just want to be normal. And right now, I'd
love it if I could break down crying and then feel better like other
people do, but I can't even have that because crying makes my head
hurt even more.
