Alright, here's the thing. When I made my resolution one year and twelve days ago, I had already determined that I would be starting school in August. In fact, that was one of my larger motivations in starting this blog. However, I had no clue what effects school would have on me mentally or physically. Things got really hairy for me around the middle of the semester, and by the end of it I was doing everything I could just to stay coherent. That included cutting out every bit of stress possible, and unfortunately, that meant breaking my resolution. Keeping up my weekly confessions just took too much time and effort.
Even though it didn't go quite as I had hoped, I do think that this blog has helped me. I never had very many readers, but I know of at least one good friend that read everything I posted, so in the later months, I envisioned myself writing each confession specifically aimed at her. Doing that made everything feel a little more real and a little less like I was just rambling on the internet. It added a bit more vulnerability to the experience I guess you could say. It didn't matter that a lot of my confessions were silly or inconsequential things; they were still my private thoughts laid bare. Opening up was the whole point of this exercise—first in text, and then application in the real world.
The real world has been a much more troublesome adventure. I spent the first seven and a half months of the year just like I spent the five years prior, which was on my own more often than not, and not by choice. That made the whole “growth as a person” thing kinda hard, but the odd day of work provided me with the opportunity to talk to co-workers. It may be a little ridiculous, but even having known them for three years, I found it difficult to make smalltalk with them. I did my best to change that over the summer.
And then August came. School. Wow. I met more people in the first two weeks of school than I had met in years.
It. Was. Terrifying.
But I survived! And I spoke to people! Moreover, I made some new friends!
I even started talking a bit in my smaller classes. I raised my hand to be called on and everything! Not often, mind you, but the fact that I did it at all speaks to how far I've come since I started this self-betterment journey.
I suppose I should note that when I say I started talking in class, I mean I answered professors' questions and participated in class discussions. I did not do much talking at all with classmates. One-on-one stuff still really freaks me out. But I am still working on it. Just because the year ended and I did not keep my resolution entirely doesn't mean I'm done trying. I have plenty of room for improvement yet. Plenty.
For instance, in my last class today—Critical Analysis and Writing, which is just a fancy title for a generic freshman English class—my professor brought up the idea that characters in books can sometimes feel more real than the people we actually interact with from day to day. This sparked some discussion, and I decided to share my opinions on the matter. As I sat and waited for a classmate to finish speaking, however, my resolve fizzled out into a minor panic attack. Needless to say, I kept my thoughts to myself.
I was forced to speak later though. You know, the typical “Give your name and something interesting about yourself” introduction that you get at the beginning of the semester. The only semi-interesting thing I could think of was the fact that I'm allergic to everything. My professor then wanted details, like how many doctors I had seen, any precautions, etc. I ended up giving a very (very!) brief summary of my medical history that seemed to last forever. (Brief as it was, it still took a few minutes to get out.) I was shaking and struggling to speak in an even tone by the end of it. I don't like being the center of attention. Not. One. Bit.
So there you have it.
I didn't manage to keep up with this blog for an entire year, and I'm still incredibly shy, but I am better for having done this.
I'll probably continue to post confessions from time to time, or more likely, just musings whenever the mood strikes me. I find that all this word vomit is quite useful for sorting my thoughts.
