On should-haves, why-didn'ts, and what-ifs

I reread my last post this weekend. It's been bugging me. As I mentioned in it, what I published here was actually a rewrite of my first draft. In rewriting it, a lot of my original message was lost. I didn't realize that until I read over it again. I'm sure that anyone else who read it was able to understand the gist of what I was saying, but it still feels lacking to me.

In my original post, I discussed all the things I have wished to change over the years. Obviously my health and negative school experiences are at the top of the list, but there have also been times when I wished I could fundamentally change my entire person; I wanted to stop liking all the music and TV shows and whatnot that I liked and start liking what everyone else liked, because I just wanted to fit in. I wanted to be “normal”. And I tended to dwell on thoughts like that.

A couple of weeks ago when I said I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to change, those are the things I was talking about. I don't need to listen to the Top 40, or stop watching cheesy sci-fi shows with terrible special effects, or fawn over all of the currently-hip celebrities. You can like what you like and I'll like what I like. Who I am is who I am.

Likewise, there is no point in obsessing over past events. Even if I had a time machine that could take me back to my first year of ninth grade, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from getting sick. Even if I reacted to the situation in a different manner, I wouldn't be able to control how the school administration handled it. I wouldn't be able to change my friends' responses, and there's no way of guaranteeing that I could have prevented them from drifting out of my life. I can't change what's in the past, and even if I could, I really shouldn't. All of these happenings are what shaped me into the person I am today.

When I said I was done wanting to change, I meant I was done wanting to be a different person living a different life. I am still very much in favor of change in the form of personal growth; that's pretty much the whole point of this blog. Growth is all I've been striving for in the past sixteen months, and it's what I plan to keep striving for. I believe there will always be room for improvement of character. What I'm done with is the should-haves and the why-didn'ts and the what-ifs. All I can do—all anyone can do, for that matter—is play with the hand that's been dealt, because it was dealt for a reason. The dealer peeked at the cards before He passed them out.

I feel better now, having clarified. Although I'm pretty sure the clarification was unnecessary for anyone reading. Oh well. It's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to. Haha.