Today I mailed my transcripts and test scores to the Office of Undergraduate Admissions at Oklahoma State University, and suddenly this is all very real. HolycowtoosoonstoptheworldIwanttogetoff!!
Stop. Breathe.
Okay.
I want to go. Really, I do. I want to be back in a proper school, I want to learn, I want independence, and I especially want to be back among friends on a regular basis. (Well, friend. When my tiny group of close friends split up last summer, only one landed in Stillwater. But that's immensely better than being alone all the time like I am now.) I'm very excited about all of that. But, there are certain things that have me digging my heels in.
- I really can't afford to have a private dorm room, but I'm completely absolutely positively NOT comfortable with rooming with a stranger. Seriously. My heart starts racing at the thought. Yes, obviously I would get to know my roommate and thus not live with a stranger, but until then, I'm pretty sure I'd be an awkward and miserable mess. So, I could take out a student loan and start out my independent life already in debt, or I could put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Part of me reeaally wants to go ahead and take out a loan, but then a nagging voice yells at me to be reasonable and room with somebody. After all, my New Year's Resolution was to get over my shyness and social anxiety, and rooming with a stranger would be a huge step. But I don't know. I'll probably make up my mind and change again it four hundred times before all is said and done.
- I have a horrible feeling that I'm hopelessly underprepared for the classes. English doesn't worry me, but anything with math or science will be the death of me. Excluding Consumer Math, the last complete math class I was in (that is, I attended class for a solid year and did every single assignment) was Algebra in eighth grade. And I have slept since then. Science is almost as bad. When people ask me if I'm ready for college, I mention that I'm "kinda worried" about being unprepared, but they all say "Oh, you're so smart, you'll be fine!" But being clever won't get you by in something like math. If you don't know how to do it, you don't know how to do it! End of story. So, yeah... I'll probably have nightly panic attacks every single day of my first semester.
I'm sure there will be plenty more for me to freak out about in the coming months, but for now these are the biggest stress inducers.
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