Confession #1

I am terrible at verbal communication.

Oddly enough, I used to talk to anyone and everyone, and even got scolded in school for talking too much. Now being introduced to someone new means me biting my lips, wringing my hands, shifting my weight from foot to foot, and blushing as I struggle to make eye contact for at least one second before looking at my newly interesting shoes. Making small talk is worse, because forming a coherent conversation that isn't entirely lame is very difficult when all of your energy is being focused on not looking like a total loon. These conversations typically include lots of fidgeting, several bouts of silence and my ears burning because I'm so flushed. Yep. Embarrassing.

Unfortunately, my issues are not limited to those I have just met or don't know very well. Even when I'm with a friend I sometimes find myself stressing out because conversation has hit a lull and I honestly have no clue what to say. Often when I'm with multiple friends, I don't even know how to join in on a conversation that's alive and kicking. And as if that weren't bad enough, I've discovered recently that it's growing difficult for me to maintain eye contact even with my family and the best of my friends. Seriously, what's wrong with me?

You know what? I'm not socially awkward enough yet. Let's add one more layer to that—I'm horrible at being open with people. What I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, hopes and fears, it all stays locked inside. (Yes, I know. Least original wording ever. But if I'm going to be a cliche, I'm using it to the fullest. Deal with it.) I often feel guilty for not talking to my friends more, because it's not like I don't trust them or anything... I just can't bring myself to open up. And I don't like it.

Now. What do I do about all of this? Make a New Year's Resolution to be less shy and more open! Huzzah! Those things always work out for the best, right? Right...? No. Never. Except this year, I have published my resolution on the internet for all to see. That's right! Pressure! If I don't keep my word, I'll let down not only myself but everyone else who may or may not ever see this blog! And I can't let that happen.

So, here is how this is going to work: Every week I will confess something. It might be something significant that's been bugging me for a while, or it may just be some odd little nugget of information about me that is utterly random and makes you wonder if I was dropped on my head as a baby. Either way, I'm laying it all out there where anybody can read it. Those who do will come away knowing more about me, and hopefully being open here will help me be more open in real life. (You were wondering when I would notice the irony weren't you? Haha, being completely open on the internet, nice and safe behind my desk in a veil of anonymity. Yeah. I know. But I'm just going to pretend each and every friend I have is reading this, so when I tell all, it feels real and will be helpful for future interaction with actual people.)

There you have it. Confession the First. I'll be back next Saturday with Confession #2.