I've been wanting to write something
for a while now. I've been wanting to write anything
really. My brain keeps telling me I need to write, but I haven't been
able to think of anything to write about, fiction, nonfiction, or
otherwise. Sure, I've had plenty of thoughts, but it has taken me
this long to be able to put them into anything remotely coherent.
I've
been on my own from 6:45 AM to 3:15 PM, Monday through Friday since I
left school. At first it was nice having the house all to myself. It
was quiet and peaceful.
Not so much anymore. Now it feels too much like it did when I was in
high school. It's quiet and lonely.
The other day I was literally pacing because I didn't know what else
to do with myself. I've spent countless hours watching Netflix, but
that isn't a satisfying way to spend the day at all. Not when I've
spent two and a half weeks doing little else.*
This
restlessness I feel is actually worse now than it was in years past.
Before, I was lonely and I wanted company, but I just wanted someone
here at the house with me. One or two friends, or even just my mom,
just so I wasn't alone. Now, I find myself wanting to be out
and among people—any
people, lots of
people. At school, even though I spent most of my spare time on my
own, I could hear my neighbors in their rooms and in the hall. I
always knew that someone was there. Now I just feel completely shut
off from the world again, and after spending so many months trying to
get over that, it feels even more suffocating than before.
As nervous (and
sometimes scared) as people make me, I want to be around them. And
being around them is good for me. I know it is. I've tried tiptoeing
through the waters, so to speak. I made a little bit of progress that
way, got a little better at interacting with people, but not much.
This past semester I was either half-dragged or half-pushed into the
water, and the other half of me dived right in, and I came so much
further in doing so. I don't want to lose that progress by being
isolated again.
Of course, this
isolation isn't going to last. I'm going to start working next week.
Work doesn't provide much room for interacting with people, though.
Well, not much room for interacting with people capable of carrying
on intelligible conversation anyway. I'll be spending forty hours a
week in a room with twelve babies and toddlers and my mother. Nothing
against my mom, of course. She's great, and I love working with her.
But spending time with my mom isn't exactly going to help me in
getting over my anti-social ways.
I think I'm going
to go back to posting at least semi-regular confessions. Even if they
don't actually help me, I'll feel better for having made the effort.
Haha.
*I
haven't been spending all
of my time in front of my computer. I can't sit still that long. I
have also been crafting. The first two weeks I was home, I spent some of my time decorating school supplies to give to a dear friend
for her birthday. Lots of glue and paper involved. The table in the
sun room is still
covered in paper. Last weekend I went to Michaels and bought a paper
punch, so I've been using scraps to fill the house with these:
Three-dimensional butterflies. Oh yes.
And
yesterday I started crocheting again. I had this grand idea to make a
blanket out of lots of little granny squares, because I thought it
would be super simple and quick given how easy it is to make a granny
square. But then I realized that to make a blanket the size I wanted,
I would have to make two hundred and seventy squares, and then I would
have to stitch them all together. That did not appeal to me, so I
thought I'd make the blanket out of some larger squares. It still
would have taken around ninety squares total with my new plan, and
that did not appeal to me either. My solution? One gigantic
square. My work in progress, after putting in roughly five hours:
Clearly I will be
here a while. But it's keeping me busy, and that's the important
thing! Not having anything to do makes my mind wander, and when my
mind wanders, I worry about things. Anything and everything. Luckily,
working for the rest of the summer will keep me too busy to worry.
And when I'm not working, I'll be too tired to think. So hooray! Sort
of. Ha.
