Everything you hoped would last...

...it just always becomes your past.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. I intended to be extremely productive tonight. I really did. But I've got some stuff weighing on my mind, and I just can't concentrate.

When I think about my life, I think of it in segments. The first segment starts as early as I can remember and stretches up to the point when I got sick, the second segment is the time which I spent floundering on my own after getting sick, and the third segment begins with the formation of my current group of really good friends.

I had a pretty solid group of friends when I got sick, and somehow that all just fell apart. By December of my second freshman year of high school, I had basically lost touch with all but one or two of them. About that same time, I began hanging out with some new people, and those friendships have lasted since.

The problem is that I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I lost the friends I used to have. These were people I'd been friends with for three, six, ten years! Even worse, the friendships I managed to hang on to through that year—with friends that were with me for more than a decade—have since dwindled.

One the one hand, I'm incredibly grateful for the times that we had together. I wouldn't trade my memories for the world. But at the same time, it breaks my heart every time I think that memories are all that I have left. The best friend that I grew up with, the one I think about every time I hear certain songs on the radio, or pass by our old “haunts” in town, the person that kept me holding on to what little sanity I had when I was fourteen... she's no longer in my life. That kills me.

A few of my old friends used to be Facebook friends with me, even after we lost touch. Somewhere along the way, almost all of them “unfriended” me. We never spoke to each other, so not having them on Facebook isn't a huge difference, but knowing that they had chosen to delete me hurt when I discovered it. It hurt a lot. It didn't hurt as much, though, as still being Facebook friends with the people that used to be in my life, seeing what they post, and feeling so disconnected.

I see things all the time that make me want to comment. Things they say that make me laugh, goofy pictures that are so typical of them. I never know if it would be appropriate to comment. It would feel awkward to just comment on something out of the blue when we haven't spoken otherwise in so, so long. Sometimes I type something then delete it without posting, because I honestly don't know what their reaction might be. I wonder if they look at my posts and have the same thoughts. Do they miss me as much as I miss them? Do they have the same fears about trying to make contact only to discover that there isn't any hope of rekindling that old friendship?

The worst part is seeing a post that makes it clear that they are unhappy or having a terrible day. I want so badly then to reach out and cheer them up. It's been so long now, I don't know what I could say. I don't know them or the struggles they face these days. But I think about them all the time. I worry about them.

I've spoken before about these people—the ones that stayed in touch longer than the others. There were only two of them, but they were my real friends through everything. I often wonder if they ever read this and know that I'm talking about them, and moreover, to them. I miss you guys. I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. And I want to talk to you. I do. I'm just afraid that maybe you don't want to talk to me. That maybe I'm just a sentimental sap that needs to learn to let go.

Maybe I'll work up the courage to talk to you some day. In the mean time, if you are reading this and you ever have the same thoughts, maybe you wouldn't mind letting me know. You could post a comment or send me a private message on Facebook. For that matter, you could text me if you still have my number. It hasn't changed.

If you are reading this but you don't want to let me know, that's fine. I get it. The past is the past, and we're different people now. Just know that you meant everything to me when we were growing up, and I still think about you all the time. Wherever life takes you, I hope you're always happy.

As for my newer friends, you guys rock too. I don't know if I make it known well enough or often enough, but I love you and I know I wouldn't be where I am today without you.